The Main Reason Marriages Eventually Suck

There is one very big reason why promising marriages eventually suck and it is that people sleepwalk through life. Many of the choices we make in our lives are knee-jerk reactions, unconsciously guided by our past experiences, learned behaviors and beliefs, and the chemical influences of our genders. And until we wake up and question our motives when we make decisions that cause conflicts in our relationships, we will continue to feel disappointment and sadness.

Some examples of these unconsciously driven relationship behaviors are where:

• our actions mimic our parents' simply because that's our sense of 'normal'
• we shy away from expressing our sexuality because we've been taught it's 'bad'
• we succumb to habitual activities even when they cause strife
• we resist being cooperative or compromising because we are still fighting old battles
• we seek comfort through immediately gratifying activities like eating, drinking or sex
• we withhold intimacy as a way to exert control, when we can't control other areas of our lives
  
• we get so wrapped up in new activities (e.g. making a home, raising a family, starting a career), we move our relationship partner down from the top of our priority list.
• we see courtship as an activity that 'wins' us a relationship partner rather than an activity that is absolutely necessary to nurture a lifelong relationship.

Men Are Perfect

For millions of years our male ancestors hunted animals for food, impregnated females, then protected and provided for those females who produced their offspring. Over countless generations and millions of years, men who were successful hunters, breeders, protectors and providers genetically programmed these skills into the DNA of their male offspring. Those males who weren't successful in all of these skills, eventually died off. Thus it was these four skills that have come to be deeply ingrained into the basic fiber of males, even to this day. That is why, for what they are designed to be - hunters, breeders, protectors and providers - men are perfect.

It may be hard to imagine that some educated, well-groomed, metro-sexual males of today share these ancient skills with our ancestors, but they do. Much like the docile Golden Retriever whose outward good looks and friendly demeanor hide the savage traits of the grey wolf ancestor lying beneath its surface, the same is true for modern men. They may cleanup well and at times even seem awkward and harmless, but in their core they are very much the focused hunter, ruthless protector and resourceful provider whose primary goals are survival and ensuring the successful passing along of their genes to another generation.

This is an important fact to understand about men. If you are the type of person who refuses to accept this fact and instead feels that men "just make excuses" for their behaviors, you are a prime candidate for someone who will be unsuccessful at marriage. This ancestral programming is an undeniable and integral part of who men are and it is foolish to ignore its existence or how influential it is on a man's behavior. It is also fruitless to believe it can be trained out of a man, anymore than you can train an animal to ignore its basic instincts. It is true that men can choose a different behavior, but each of those choices will need to be a conscious and deliberate effort to compensate for his behaviors because it is rate his natural tendencies will ever be eliminated.

Here are some examples of how these four roles of our ancestors living in a man's subconscious manifest themselves in modern their behaviors.

The Hunter
Even if a man doesn't don camouflage clothes and grab a rifle to hunt deer and pheasant, his hunting skills are still very much evident in his every day behavior.

Single-Task / Highly Focused

• Try talking to a man who's watching sports on TV and you'll see how hard it is to distract his focus while he's so engrossed in that one activity. Men have a very narrow focus of attention.
• A man's ability to shut out distractions is helped by the fact men have poorer hearing than women.1 Plus, when men are concentrating on an activity, for example reading, scans of their brain show that during that time they are virtually deaf.2
  
• When a man is driving and listening to the radio and needs to make a critical decision about his route, notice how he turns down the radio so he can focus on that one decision. This is his compartmentalized thinking nature coming into play.3
  
• Watch a man go shopping. Using his hunting skills he heads directly to the object he wishes to purchase, then leaves the store once it's purchased.

Unemotional

• Men can compartmentalize their activities, isolating them from other parts of their brain so they can avoid any conflict between their inbred need to kill certain living creatures while working to protect other living beings.4
  

Killing / Destructive Nature

• Even nonviolent men manifest the thirst of "blood" in their daily lives when they show joy that their sports or business team beat another.
• Watch a man use a remote control and you'll see him killing stations as he quickly moves from one channel to the next.5
• Video games are another way men display their killing instincts.
• Vandalism and fireworks use are displays of a male's destructive nature.
  

Quieted Mind

• Men are typically not very talkative even in group situations. Fishing is a perfect example of this. Many men can sit together quietly, patiently waiting for the moment when they can capture and kill their prey. Our male ancestors had to also be patient as they quietly waited for an animal to meander within striking distance.
• When a man is resting he can shut down 70% of his brain's activity.6
  

Spatial Ability

• When men and women drive together, it is common for the woman in the passenger seat to accuse the man of getting to close to objects with the car. This is because their spatial judgment skills are different. Stalking prey helped our male ancestors to development judgment of precise distances in 3 dimensions so they knew exactly where to throw an object in order to kill a moving animal.7
  

Lounging

• Men are often accused of being lazy because they want to lounge around. But take a look at other creatures who hunt down their prey and you'll see that all of them lay around conserving their energy before and after the kill. Remember, the core skills in men are in their subconscious so resting until critical activities are necessary is an unconscious trait.
  

The Breeder
A primary goal of primitive males was to make offspring who would carry their genes into the next generation. I emphasize their genes because this is an important aspect of the goal. If you look at male lions, when a new one enters a pride by driving off the former male leader, he proceeds to kill all infant lions. Then he mates with all females as they come into heat. This way the offspring he is protecting and providing for will be his own.8 This same breeder instinct can be found in human males.

Vanity

• To appeal to females who can bear his offspring, a man has to show that he has a genetic package worth carrying. This subconscious desire to gain acceptance by females is why men anguish over such traits as their height, weight, muscularity, hair thickness on their heads and face and physical performance on the dance floor.9
  

Child Abuse

• Step-fathers are more likely to abuse or kill their step-children (offspring of another father).
  
• As distasteful as this idea may be, step-fathers see step-daughters as possible bearers of their offspring. Thus the presence of a stepfather in the home doubles the risk for girls being sexually abused.10
  

Infidelity / Lack of Commitment

• Human females can only bear approximately one child per year. So to increase a male's chances for an offspring that is carried to term and survives into adolescence, males needed to impregnate as many women as he could possibly protect and provide for. That number was typically more than one. Despite today's monogamous lifestyles, the more fruitful polygamous lifestyle typical of most mammals, still runs deep in a man's genes.11

Competitiveness

• Now-a-days males compete for the prize of dominance above other males in business, lifestyles and "hunting" type sporting activities. This attitude is a carry over from the original competition between our male ancestors to win the acceptance of childbearing females.12

Sexual Readiness / Overtones

• Men are famous for turning nonsexual comments and actions into something sexual whenever they can. This is their attempt to show a readiness for sexual activity just in case the possibility exists.
• Flirting is another favorite pastime of men because the breeder is constantly looking for feedback from females that his genetic package is desirable.

Absentee Fathers

• Men are more interested in creating children than raising them. That is why a man will impregnate a wife, girlfriend or an easy mark and then be absent during the raising of the children. In our ancestor groups, the women raised the children and the men simply provided food and protection. Now-a-days, with governments providing welfare income and housing to single mothers, a man no longer needs to even worry about providing for or protecting their offspring.13
  

Men Wanting A Son

• The best offspring for a breeder is a healthy son. As they grow they can be trained to help with the providing and eventually replace the father (should he live long enough to lose his own abilities to provide). Even when man moved from hunters to farmers some 10,000 years ago, sons were still desired for the same reasons.
  

Leering or Scanning / Staring at Body Parts

• Female bodies give indications of breeding readiness (e.g. breasts that become swollen around ovulation) and sexual readiness (e.g. erect nipples or labia lips that become swollen, reddened and moist) . So males look for these signs when scanning a woman's body.
  
• Nature also provides genital echos or self-mimicry in mammals. In the female Gelada baboon, her pink, drooping, flattened breasts closely mimic vagina lips so that she can display sexuality while sitting down14 (because her reddened rump is hidden from view). Human females have similar body parts (e.g. mouth lips, navel, buttocks and breast cleavage) that appear to mimic the genitals. That is why a male's gaze becomes magnetically drawn to such body displays as breast cleavage, "Angeline Jolie" lips and rounded breasts or buttocks. To a man, these all appear as a woman displaying her genitals and are interpreted as an offering of breeding readiness.
  

The Protector
Our male ancestors had to earn the ability to impregnate a female. If he was going to take a female out of breeding circulation for almost a year in order to create his offspring, he needed to demonstrate he was capable of protecting her and her unborn during that period and into his child's adolescence. While females were able to protect themselves and their offspring, it was ultimately the male's duty to ensure their safety.

Physical Health

• Men have to stay in great shape to demonstrate their health and strength during courtship.
• Tall men give the impression they enjoy better health. Studies have shown that height also helps men be more successful in business, finding a mate and breeding.15 A man who can tower over others gives the impression that he is an able bodied protector.
  

Security

• Men purchase homes with gates or security guards to show a woman that she will be living in safety and security.
• Men also need to demonstrate a stable personality and associate with non-threatening acquaintances to give a woman a sense of safety.
  

Readiness

• Men are criticized for not putting away their clothes and things, but this trait is a carry over from our ancestors living in the wild. Should an intruder enter the camp during the middle of the night, a man needed to be able to quickly locate his weapon so he could grab it and use it against the intruder. That is why a man leaves his things out in the open.
  
• This expectation that objects should be easily locatable with only a quick glance to find them is why men have such difficulty looking for things around the house. This plus the fact that a man's line of sight is more narrow than a woman's.16 They expect that whatever they need should be in an obvious place versus tucked away behind or underneath other things.

Strength

• Displays of strength are rooted in a man's need to show himself as a powerful protector. These displays include gun collections, muscle cars, power boats, private aircraft and on a larger scale governmental fire power.

The Provider
Being able to provide for the female and his offspring was a more important task than protecting (because living in a community offered some natural protection of its own). But when food was scarce it was up to the male to ensure his offspring and their mother were getting the food necessary for their survival.

Appearance of Success

• The appearance of a successful life and career is a good way to attract a mate because it indicates a man's resourcefulness and ability to provide for her and his offspring.
  
• Expensive gifts, like a diamond ring, show a woman that a man has enough resources that he can afford to spend a large amount of money on non-essentials.17 Other ways men do this is by spending money on large or multiple homes, cars, boats and other big ticket items.
• Height isn't something a person can control, but it does give the impression that a man is healthier and more capable of being successful in business, finding a mate and breeding. (The greater success of tall men as compared to shorter men has be confirmed in multiple studies.)

Uncooperative Mate

• Providing food for offspring and their mothers was an intensely physical and emotional activity. It involved tracking the prey, hunting it down, physically killing it, carrying it back to the group, tearing apart the carcass, competing with other hunters for a portion of the spoils, eating it, then remaining a vigilant protector18 while resting up to do it all again. This daily activity was a large contribution to the survival of the group. Because of this, the attitude of the ancestral provider still unconsciously drives modern men to believe that anything beyond hunting, providing and protecting is "woman's work".

Unnecessary Providing

• Men want to be seen as able bodied providers which is why adult males will pick up the tab at a restaurant or entertainment event, even when other adults attending have the resources to pay their own way. Also, age does not stop men from wanting to be seen as a provider. It is not uncommon for a father on a fixed income to pay for meals and other gifts for adult children and spouses who certainly have the ability to provide for themselves.
  

Two points to remember from this blog is that part of a man's behavior is due to ancestral traits buried deep within his subconscious that have programmed him to be a hunter, breeder, protector and provider. Ignoring this fact can lead to much relationship frustration. The more productive thing to do is for couples to step beyond "automatic pilot living" to recognize how these subconscious traits are manifested in everyday behaviors. Then discuss them at the conscious level so that a man understands why he does what he does. Possibly this will help him make conscious decisions to discontinue some of his unnecessary and annoying behaviors.


1. Deborah Blum, Sex on the Brain, pg 68
2.Mark Gungor, Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage pg 43
3.Daniel Amen, Sex on the Brain, pg 78
4. Barbara & Allan Pease, Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, pg 124-125
5.Rob Becker, Defending the Caveman
6.Mark Gungor, Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage pg 44
7.Barbara & Allan Pease, Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps, pg 199
8. Helen Fisher, The Sex Contract, pg 114
9. Desmond Morris, Manwatching pg 246
10. Mullen et al (1993) Childhood sexual abuse and mental health in adult life, Br. J. Psychaiatry 163:721-732
11. Barbara & Allan Pease, Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps, pg 199
12. Deborah Blum, Sex on the Brain, pg 267
13.Transcript of Rush Linbaugh's Address at CPAC, 2009
14. Desmond Morris, Manwatching pg 239
15.Bobbi Low, Why Sex Matters
16. Barbara & Allan Pease, Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps, pg 23
17.Helen Fisher, The Anatomy of Love, pg 26
18.Deborah Blum, Sex on the Brain, pg 61

Disclaimer - "Male" versus "Female"

In the mid '90s Rob Becker, a stand-up comedian and lover of anthropology, created a one man play about the differences between men and women called "Defending the Caveman". (http://www.defendingthecaveman.com) It is hilarious and I recommend it for any couple in a long-term relationship. The longer you've been in your relationship, the funnier (and truer) you will find it to be.

Rob and I spoke one time about his play I asked him if he felt his observations about men and women applied to gay couples also. He said they did because he felt that even in same sex relationships you will have a male and a female (i.e. someone who is predominantly male and someone who is predominantly female in their behavioral traits).

When it comes to gender behaviors in humans, the "norm" is that we display a mixture of both gender traits. Why? Because the development of gender in a person is not a black or white proposition. Rather it is a series of chemically triggered events starting about 6 weeks after conception and going into puberty. The success, failure or effectiveness of each of these events is what determines if and how much we develop certain physical and mental gender traits.

For the first six weeks of development, human embryos grow in a basically gender-neutral route, a blob of cells with unlimited potential. During that time, the embryo makes gonads of no particular sex, just a foundation for what will come. Human embryos have at least one X chromosome with about 2,500 to 5,000 genes. These genes include controls for such things as muscle development, blood clotting and color coding. If it gets another X (from the father) it now has essentially a backup. If it gets a Y instead, it gains approximately another 15 genes. Within that Y is a trigger for turning the embryo in the male direction.1 Without this Y trigger (Testis Determining Factor), the embryo heads in the female direction. But this is just the beginning. From that initial triggering, chemicals have to be released to develop body components that will in turn release other chemicals. Some of these chemicals cause body components to grow and others to shrink away. If the body components do not develop or function properly, if chemicals get released but have different effects, or if they don't get released at all, the resulting human will have a varying amount of gender characteristics.

This delicate process of gender triggering events and the effectiveness of each event is why in the entire spectrum of humans we have manly men like Clint Eastwood and girlie men like Richie Rich. We have girlie girls like Audrey Hepburn and butch acting women like Rosie O'Donnell. You can find people with both sets of genitals (hermaphrodites), "girls" who turn into "boys" when puberty kicks in (from failure of the enzyme 5-alpha-reductase to initially build a penis & scrotum), "boys" with XY chromosomes who develop a clitoris, labia, shallow vagina and breasts (Testicular Feminization Mutation) and many other mixtures of male and female traits. These triggering events also affect the gender development of the brain, separate from those of the body. This is why some anatomically correct "men" feel like they are women and visa versa.2

The reason I mention all this is so you understand that when I talk about how men and women behave, I not making a definitive statement about only those people with the specific plumbing for that gender. Instead I am referring to behaviors, actions and perspectives generally associated with, and predominantly exhibited by, properly developed "males" and "females". (i.e. when all the triggers work and we have a "man" or "woman" according to the intended biological design.) So as you read through this blog, even if you are in a same sex relationship, you should be able to recognize the "male" and "female" behaviors discussed throughout this blog, in yourself or your partner.

As you read through this blog, also keep in mind that the behaviors exhibited by males and females are just a basis of behaviors, actions or perspectives and can be drastically altered by all the other factors that also affect how humans think and act. (These factors will be discussed in length later in this blog.)

1. Sex on the Brain by Deborah Blum
2. Brain Sex by Anne Moir & David Jessel

Introduction (The Purpose Of This Blog)

Marriage and long-term relationships don't need to be difficult. They are however, because people don't understand the mixture of influences that affect human behaviors, attitudes and perspectives. It is this lack of understanding of ourselves and others that typically turns the simplest of interactions into disagreements, misunderstandings, resentment, hurt feelings, dissatisfaction and anger.

The mixtures of influences affecting human behaviors are many. They can include such factors as genetics, gender, biology, physiology, anthropology, chemistry, memories, traumas, psychology, culture, social status, experiences and/or upbringing. Being unaware, or denying, that these can impact how humans interact is one of the most common reasons for those confusing situations where a "normal comment" or "natural reaction" quickly sparks a conflict with a partner.

So how does a person become aware of the influences that affect their behaviors, attitudes and perceptions, and those of others? THAT is the difficult part. Even if you spent every waking moment with another person, you can't possibly know the associations their minds are making, how they are interpreting events, what memories are coloring their perceptions and in general what's happening in their minds and bodies that will manifest themselves during future interactions. The same is true for us. We have lived with ourselves since our birth, yet we are not consciously aware of all the associations, interpretations of events, traumatic experiences and physical and mental factors that continue to build our attitudes, behaviors and perspectives.

The first step toward an awareness of these influences is the acceptance that they exist. This is a big step. Quite often partners are quick to dismiss explanations for annoying behaviors as "just an excuse" when there is typically a very real and valid reason for them. Maybe this dismissive attitude takes less mental energy than understanding would, but in the long run, dealing with an annoying behavior that continues can take much more energy overall.

The purpose of this blog is to help you increase the awareness of many of these influences and how they manifest themselves in typical behaviors, attitudes and perceptions. Hopefully by doing this, you will be able to identify ones from your own life and piece together your own mixture of influences. Armed with this knowledge you should then be able to better understand yourself and why you behave, think and act certain ways in your relationships. You should also be able to see why others behave the ways they do. Ideally this new understanding will help you to make more informed and conscious behavioral choices in your relationships and avoid the behaviors, attitudes and perceptions that lead to unrewarding, non-productive and sometimes dangerous interactions with others.

It is not my intention to discourage anyone from participating in marriage or long-term relationships. Rather it is to prepare you for those interactions so that you will enter them with opened eyes, have a good idea of what to expect and know how to handle potentially confusing or frustrating situations when they arise.

Lastly, I'm calling this blog "straight talk" for good reason. My target audience are mature adults who have opened their minds to any explanations that will help them better understand themselves and their partners. So I'm not going to waste your time by sugar coating my answers. My explanations will always be direct and honest even if they are sometimes uncomfortable to read. But in the end, it is those kinds of answers that will leave you with a much clearer understanding of what can cause marriages to go sour and what to do to avoid that fate.

References

These are the books I've read so far on the subject of marriage and human behaviors.

• Daniel G. Amen, M.D., Sex on the Brain (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007)
• Helen Fisher, Ph.D., Anatomy of Love, The Mysteries of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992)
• Bridget Brennan, Why She Buys, The New Strategy For Reaching The World’s Most Powerful ConsumersNew York: Crown Business, 2009) (
• Nancy Etcoff, Survival of the Prettiest (New York: Anchor Books, 2000)
• Robert Mark Alter, It’s (Mostly) His Fault - For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love ThemNew York: Warner Books, 2006) (
• Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990)
• Stephen R. Covey, First Things First (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994)
• Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., You Just Don’t Understand, Women and Men in Conversation (New York: Ballantine Books, 1991)
• Debbie Ford, Why Good People Do Bad Things, How To Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy (New York: Harper One, 2008)
• Barbara and Allan Pease, Why Men Don’t Have A Clue And Women Always Need More Shoes (New York: Broadway Books, 2002)
• Barbara and Allan Pease, Are You Meant For Each Other? (New York: Broadway Books, 2006)
• Barbara and Allan Pease, Why Don’t Men Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps (New York: Welcome Rain, 2000)
• Gerard L Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero, How To Read A Person Like A Book (New York: Pocket Books, 1971)
• Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands (New York: Harper Collins, 2004)
• Louann Brizendine, M.D., The Female Brain (New York: Broadway Books, 2006)
• Mildred Newman & Bernard Berkowitz, How To Be Your Own Best Friend (New York: Ballantine Books, 1971)
• Oliver Sacks, An Anthropologist On Mars (New York: Vintage Books, 1996)
• John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999)
• John M. Gottman, Ph.D., Why Marriages Succeed or Fail… And How You Can Make Yours Last (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994)
• M. Scott Peck, M.D., The Road Less Traveled - A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth (New York: Touchstone, 1978)
• Dr. Ralph Earle and Dr. Gregory Crow, Lonely All The Time - Recognizing, Understanding and Overcoming Sex Addiction, for Addicts and Co-Dependents (New York: Pocket Books, 1989)
• Mark Gungor, Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage (New York: Atria Books, 2008)
• Deborah Blum, Sex On The Brain - The Biological Differences Between Men & Women (New York: Viking Penguin, 1997)
• Julian Jaynes, The Origin of Consciousness In The Breakdown Of The Bicameral Mind (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1976)
• Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence - The New Science Of Human Relationships (New York: Bantam Books, 2006)
• Desmond Morris, Manwatching: A Field Guide To Human Behavior (New York: Abrams, 1977)
• Brian Rowley, Foods That Boost Your Testosterone - Eating To Amplify Your Anabolic Hormones (Men’s Fitness Magazine, June 2001)
• Dianne Hales and Dr. Robert Hales, Does Your Body-Talk Do You In? (Parade Magazine, March 12, 1995) pg 26 – 27
• Anne Moir, Ph.D. and David Jessel, Brain Sex – The Real Difference Between Men & Women (New York: Delta, 1989)
• Helen Fisher, The Sex Contract – The Evolution of Human Behavior (New York: Quill, 1982)
• Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. Getting the Love You Want (New York: Henry Holt Publishing, 1988)
• Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages (Chicago:Northfield Printing, 1992)
• Dr. Greg Smalley & Erin Smalley, Before You Plan Your Wedding, Plan Your Marriage (New York: Howard Books, 2008)
• Dr. James Dobson, Straight Talk To Men And Their Wives (Dallas: Word Books, 1980)
• Dr. Greg Smalley, The Marriage You've Always Dreamed Of (Tyndale House Publishing 2005)
• Dr. James Dobson, Straight Talk - What Men Need To Know, What Women Should Understand (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1991)